We all get angry at times — this is normal and human.
Anger occurs when we have a problem in our lives, it focuses our energy to get things shifting and changing.
Anger literally is a transformational energy.
We can have positive transformation when we focus our anger on a problem.
We can have negative transformation when we focus our anger on a person — we can even lose that relationship.
In a nut shell anger focused on a problem is healthy however, anger focused on a person is toxic.
It is much more efficient and effective to be angry at a problem.
Some people are feeling stressed by this most unusual time in the world so I spent this Sunday making you all a meditation to relax your body and mind.
I trust you will enjoy them.
Wendy’s Four Steps for Anger
Step 1. Acknowledge that there is a problem and they are important to you.
Step 2. Explain that you will not discuss the issue until you are both calm
Step 3. Leave
Step 4. When you are both calm come back and discuss the problem
Control dramas are negative emotions that people use to control each other.
The six control dramas are :
It is normal to feel these feelings at times however, we can either use them in a healthy or a controlling way.
Each of these emotions have a positive or negative affect on your relationships.
Anger and criticism are strong, focused emotions that create either negative or positive transformation.
They are both negative when focused on a person and positive when focused on a problem.
Withdrawal is positive if a person takes time out to get clear about a problem.
However, it is negative when no action or discussion is taken after taking time out.
Victim-hood is negative if a person complains about an unfairness in life without actively changing their behavior.
It is positive when a person faces an unfair situation feels the feelings of that come up (for example; feeling sad and crying.) and then engages in positive solution based change.
Denial is negative if you deny someone else's thoughts, beliefs and feelings.
It can be positive when someone is overwhelmed and they will not engage in thinking about a problem while they are feeling that way.
Charm is positive if it is kindness in action and negative when used to manipulate someone to do something that is not best for them.
Once a person learns to use these emotions positively they will find it easy to say “no” to others who are trying to control them, plus they will stay calm and adult when others being unkind.
Relationships will improve because difficult issues will be resolved in a way that grows trust.
Imagine how wonderful it would feel to no longer be a target for bullies.
In the future I will blog about how to handle yourself and others when feeling these strong feelings.
Pain is a natural and good part of your bodies system.
Children who are born without the ability to feel pain die quickly for they simply injure their bodies until they eventually die.
Leprosy is another example of a pain free “problem”, because people with Leprosy can’t feel their fingers and toes they injure them until they have to be amputated or they fall off.
The Pain of Injury
Pain is telling you that you are injuring your body it has an important role in your life.
When you are injured your cells break open and the inside contents of the cells spill out between the tissues. The body then sends a message to the brain and you feel pain. When these cell chemicals are flushed away by the body you get better and no longer feel pain. If you keep injuring the cells then you keep getting pain. This type of pain is not good its role is to make you stop doing what ever you are doing!
Acute pain is a perfectly normal and natural response that keeps you alive.
Chronic pain is different, for it involves something called memory pain.
Let me explain memory pain as opposed to the pain of damaging your body’s tissues.
When I was about twelve years old I remember making a new exotic recipe called stuffed tomatoes. The tomatoes were stuffed with breadcrumbs, onions and some herbs and spices. After some time cooking in our lovely farm wood stove I ate them. The reaction I had can only be described as a severe food poisoning.
I remember pain of such intensity that I could only lay on the cold vinyl floor and roll around and cry with the agony. I became super sensitive to any stimulation at all. The light had to be turned off for it was painfully blinding. Sound became amplified and I couldn’t hear what people were saying because it was too loud. My parents couldn’t move me to the bedroom for I couldn’t stand their touch. Eventually I fell asleep and my parents must have put me to bed where I slept it off and surprisingly woke up perfectly OK the next morning.
When I was feeling ill all I could smell on my breath was onions, and the smell of onions became strongly associated with this acute food poisoning
For about 25 years after if I even smelled onion I would immediately feel ill. I could eat cooked onions without a reaction because they don’t smell so obviously I was not allergic to them. Yet the smell of slightly cooked onion made me bilious, I simply couldn’t get it in my mouth without gagging and feeling super sensitive to everything.
This is memory pain, where severe pain is linked with a smell, sound, sight or situation.
This is your body/minds way of protecting you from severe illness or pain.
Many people with back pain have linked memory pain to sitting or driving and yet their back maybe actually healed! It is just that they have associated the activity to pain that whenever they sit or drive their brain plays back the memory of pain.
Many people have memory pain associated with a particular alcoholic drink that they once overindulged in!
Memory pain is very powerful and I guess humans were designed to have memory pain to prevent us from continually doing something that was bad for us.
If you have chronic pain you will be guaranteed to have some element of memory pain.
You can clear your memory pain by imagining doing painful things without any pain. Once you can do this easily then you can know that your memory pain has been cleared.
Do you want to have great relationships by NOT setting boundaries with people who create dramas that waste your energy, money and time?
The very best way to slip into the crazy world of lies, deceptions and madness is to care about what people say and do towards you.
When you are on a path to a happy successful life it is important that you tread your own path and don’t get distracted by others when they treat you unkindly.
Don’t set a boundaries JUST DON’T.
Society has trained us to be co-dependant and put others wants and needs before our own so we are “nice” and accommodating with others who are needy, exploitive, dramatic and angry.
If you have done some personal growth the next bit of training is: “I have to set boundaries with toxic people” This is a tiny step up. Slightly better than being “nice” and betraying yourself.
With that said; it is not very effective.
Your words are like water in a sieve — the water flows in and out of the sieve and you get no where. It is a waste of effort.
.When you set a boundary and it mainly doesn’t make much difference because it is the first act of war, it starts the struggle of who will win.
Unkind people love "playing with" empathic peoples kindness and emotions it gives them great joy.
Set a focus for what you want and DON’T TELL THEM.
Let me tell you — boundaries are not something you set with them — it is something you do within yourself without saying a word.
For example when I had a staff member in my business who was lazy or being unkind I would say to myself;
“My standards for this business, staff and clients will not be reduced by that attitude."
I would think; "You will either shape up or ship out — that is up to you."
With that thought I became clear and honest about what was required in their job. I changed with that phrase; everything changed. I worked on shaping them up or shipping them out in the kindest way I could.
In the past when I “explained’ boundaries to a reactive staff member the following would happen.
Firstly that staff member would reject that what I said — they would argue with me that I was the problem for expecting them to change.
When they didn’t win this argument with me they would then gossip with the other staff about how unreasonable I was. This would take the focus away from their failures and on to me — they would project that I was a bad boss rather than own thier own bad behavior.
This would damage the moral of the other staff members in the business.
Staff who were unkind or lazy were like children who want to fight against authority. They don’t think far enough ahead that their boss is kindly keeping their jobs safe by having the business profitable.
Then the unkind staff member would increase their poor work habits to “test” my resolve. After that the energy would spiral downwards and a big costly, emotional mess would ensure.
I didn’t do that, I keep my focus, and the result was the vast majority to staff would listen and improve and the rest… Well they ship themselves out without me having to argue. I would kindly and clearly insist on the behaviors I required.
When they realized I was not going to "give in" they would give up in frustration and resign.
The magic of not explaining yourself is powerful stuff.
The only way out of any mess, it to sort out your inner world.
Your personal work is to create an inner world where you can trust yourself to be “nice” and “polite” TO YOURSELF and not rock YOUR boat.
It is important that you feel; “I maintain my high kind standards and if you don't want to join me in these standards I am unconcerned — you are not my problem.”
Learn to NOT care when unkind people do dramas, get angry, explain sob stories and tell lies to try and get you to lower your kind standards.
The day that you decide that you no longer care what others think, say or feel about you will be the start of your calm happy and successful, wealthy life.
Click on the button below to view the video so that you can understand how to relieve your own pain.